“Time For Bed, Grandpa”
Characters: Kristen Doss (A Lady)
Wrigley Doss (A Beagle)
A Mysterious Visitor
(Lights up on a living room. Kristen is watching TV. Wrigley is reading “USA TODAY” and smoking a pipe.)
KRISTEN: Do you want to go outside?
WRIGLEY: Sorry, what was that?
KRISTEN: Outside?
WRIGLEY: Ah, I thought you said, “eat pies”.
KRISTEN: Let’s go outside.
WRIGLEY: Or you know, we COULD eat pies…I wouldn’t be opposed to it. Not that I don’t absolutely love eating the exact same meal twice a day…everyday.
KRISTEN: Want a treat?
WRIGLEY: I don’t know, is it a steak?
(Kristen holds a dog treat over Wrigley’s head.)
KRISTEN: Who wants a treat?
WRIGLEY: Yeah, sure. I’ll take it. But you know, when I was young I heard stories about dogs who were fed table scraps, right there under the table. Doesn’t that sound great? Waste not want not right? Eh, who am I kidding? With this acid reflux I don’t stand a chance.
KRISTEN: Come on, Wrigs..outside.
WRIGLEY: Listen, I think I’m just going to pack it in for the night. I had a long day …
(Wrigley starts to walk offstage.)
KRISTEN: Wrigley, are you planning to eat the trash?
WRIGLEY: Sorry, didn’t hear you. Anyway, have a good night, my dear.
(There is a loud crash outside the door.)
KRISTEN: What was that?
WRIGLEY: Probably one of those damn kids from the neighborhood. I’ll go tell them to get the hell off our lawn. (Mumbling) Damn kids always playing around with their damn toys…
(Another crash)
KRISTEN: Wrigley! I’m scared!
WRIGLEY: It’s ok. You stand back, I’ll handle this!
(Wrigley tries to howl, clears his throat, tries again.)
KRISTEN: You can do it, Wrigs!
(Kristen starts to sing “Wrigley-Ooooh”)
WRIGLEY: Arf! Arf! AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(From the other side of the door there is a soft whimper. Wrigley moves slowly to the door and opens it. Buddy the Pomeranian is sitting on a pile of Louis Vuitton luggage.)
BUDDY: Hi!!! I’m Buddy!!
KRISTEN: Buddy! You scared us!
BUDDY: Sorry, I had to drag my luggage up the stairs myself, it wasn’t easy! I’m so happy to be here! I’m so happy to see you! Happy! Happy! Woo! Buddy!
WRIGLEY: This is too much excitement for one night, I need to watch my Andy Rooney and hit the hay.
KRISTEN: No, we’re all going outside. Wrigley leash!
WRIGLEY: Quiche?
KRISTEN: Let’s put your leash on Wrigs!
WRIGLEY: What was that? Let’s eat some deep fried pigs?
BUDDY: I can’t wait to go outside! And then I’m so excited to come back inside!
(Buddy runs outside.)
KRISTEN: He’s cute, but you’re still my favorite, Baby.
WRIGLEY: Back ‘atcha kid.
(Kristen gives Wrigley a hug.)
WRIGLEY: Sooo..how ‘bout a pizza?
(Blackout)
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