PLAY for Kristen D.

“Time For Bed, Grandpa”

Characters: Kristen Doss (A Lady)
Wrigley Doss (A Beagle)
A Mysterious Visitor

(Lights up on a living room. Kristen is watching TV. Wrigley is reading “USA TODAY” and smoking a pipe.)

KRISTEN: Do you want to go outside?

WRIGLEY: Sorry, what was that?

KRISTEN: Outside?

WRIGLEY: Ah, I thought you said, “eat pies”.

KRISTEN: Let’s go outside.

WRIGLEY: Or you know, we COULD eat pies…I wouldn’t be opposed to it. Not that I don’t absolutely love eating the exact same meal twice a day…everyday.

KRISTEN: Want a treat?

WRIGLEY: I don’t know, is it a steak?

(Kristen holds a dog treat over Wrigley’s head.)

KRISTEN: Who wants a treat?

WRIGLEY: Yeah, sure. I’ll take it. But you know, when I was young I heard stories about dogs who were fed table scraps, right there under the table. Doesn’t that sound great? Waste not want not right? Eh, who am I kidding? With this acid reflux I don’t stand a chance.

KRISTEN: Come on, Wrigs..outside.

WRIGLEY: Listen, I think I’m just going to pack it in for the night. I had a long day …

(Wrigley starts to walk offstage.)

KRISTEN: Wrigley, are you planning to eat the trash?

WRIGLEY: Sorry, didn’t hear you. Anyway, have a good night, my dear.

(There is a loud crash outside the door.)

KRISTEN: What was that?

WRIGLEY: Probably one of those damn kids from the neighborhood. I’ll go tell them to get the hell off our lawn. (Mumbling) Damn kids always playing around with their damn toys…

(Another crash)

KRISTEN: Wrigley! I’m scared!

WRIGLEY: It’s ok. You stand back, I’ll handle this!

(Wrigley tries to howl, clears his throat, tries again.)

KRISTEN: You can do it, Wrigs!

(Kristen starts to sing “Wrigley-Ooooh”)

WRIGLEY: Arf! Arf! AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(From the other side of the door there is a soft whimper. Wrigley moves slowly to the door and opens it. Buddy the Pomeranian is sitting on a pile of Louis Vuitton luggage.)

BUDDY: Hi!!! I’m Buddy!!

KRISTEN: Buddy! You scared us!

BUDDY: Sorry, I had to drag my luggage up the stairs myself, it wasn’t easy! I’m so happy to be here! I’m so happy to see you! Happy! Happy! Woo! Buddy!

WRIGLEY: This is too much excitement for one night, I need to watch my Andy Rooney and hit the hay.

KRISTEN: No, we’re all going outside. Wrigley leash!

WRIGLEY: Quiche?

KRISTEN: Let’s put your leash on Wrigs!

WRIGLEY: What was that? Let’s eat some deep fried pigs?

BUDDY: I can’t wait to go outside! And then I’m so excited to come back inside!

(Buddy runs outside.)

KRISTEN: He’s cute, but you’re still my favorite, Baby.

WRIGLEY: Back ‘atcha kid.

(Kristen gives Wrigley a hug.)

WRIGLEY: Sooo..how ‘bout a pizza?

(Blackout)

LETTER for Kristen D.

Dear Kristen,

I wanted to take a moment from my morning routine (treadmill, dying my eyebrows, a healthy breakfast, practicing my “lady walk”, watching the morning news, tucking) to thank you for being such a fan over the years. Your support has meant so much to me, and while so many celebrities have millions of fair-weather fans, I enjoy having just the one…because I know you are unwavering and loyal. It may seem like “Dirty Dancing” is all about the love story between Johnny and Baby, but I know you recognize the far more subtle and nuanced drama unfolding in Lisa Houseman’s world. The 1960’s were a challenging and exciting time for young people like Baby, who wanted to change the world, and Penny, who had to make the toughest decision for herself, and Johnny, trying to be more than society thought he was capable of being. But let me tell you, times weren’t easy for a character like Lisa either. To be a young, talented tranny in such a segregated society was the most difficult challenge of all. The way Lisa embraced this challenge with coral shoes, gumption and beige iridescent lipstick was more than any “real” lady could have done at the time.
My acting career has been rocky to say the least these past two decades. I am continually called in for auditions, I put on my prettiest dresses and my best wigs only to discover that once again through some error I have been called in to read for “the father” or “the butler”. I complain to my agent and he merely looks at me with surprise and says, “Well what do you expect, John?” and I simply respond, “It’s Jane.”
I know that you are mostly a fan of my work in Dirty Dancing, for which I am still reeling over not being recognized by the Academy (put on a fake nose like Nicole Kidman and it’s in the bag, but having your adams apple removed apparently is worth nothing to those bastards) but I hope that you have also taken the time to enjoy some of my later work such as “DishDogz”, “Patients are a Virtue” and “Crime Story”.
Kristen, you are not just a fan, but a true friend. I wish I could walk hand in man-hand with you and explain just how much your loyalty means to me and everyone in the STG (Screen Trannys Guild ™ ). To quickly answer your questions: Yes, I did all my own choreography for the “Hawaiian Number”, Yes, I did actually have an off screen romance with Jerry Orbach (He had a few secrets of his own under those short-sleeved button downs), and Yes, I was able to dirty dance only briefly one time with Patrick Swayze. I had to coerce him into it with shots of Bacardi 151 and a mild horse tranquilizer, despite his difficulty standing he was still the most marvelous dance partner I’ve had to date.
I am sending you an autographed headshot, an “I Feel Pretty” coffee mug, and the complete hour and fifteen minute DVD of all my acting work in the last 23 years. I must run, it’s 5:00 and there’s an ominous shadow looming, if you know what I mean.

Still Decorating the World,
Jane Brucker
Aka “Lisa Houseman”

LIMERICK for Kristen D.

There once was a gal named Dossie

Whose hair was shiny and glossy

And when fish and chips

Would pass through her lips

Her teeth she would then need to flossie

HAIKU for Kristen D.

Let's put down the top

Then tie long scarves in our hair

And get our flow on

HAIKU for Lisa Marie C.

Sometimes you are blonde

But most times you have dark hair

Hippopotamus

HAIKU for Jodi Gottberg

Her car is silver

She forgot to feed Baxter

Meow, Man, Meow

How This Works

I am currently in the level 3 sketch comedy writing class at Second City, Chicago. It's a class I love and totally can't afford. I really want to continue my education at the Training Center because God forbid in this society, in this economy, we lose one single writer. Writers string words together and spend actual time debating whether to use a comma or elipses...decisions that change the world. Shouldn't this be rewarded with respect and cash? Yes. It should.

So here's how it works. Much like the buskers you see in the El stations who stare you down pleadingly while blowing their hearts out playing jingle bells on a saxophone in an endless loop until you give them a dollar...I'm busking online.

Step 1: Choose what you want me to write.
Step 2: Pay for it.
Step 3: Send me an email and tell me how you want it personalized.
Step 4: See your personalized writing on the blog and do a little dance.

The benefits for me are that I get to write more and I get to stay enrolled in my classes. I don't promise that any of this writing will be good, but I promise that I will appreciate it.

Here's what you can buy, or, makes a great gift!

$2 - A beautiful and moving haiku about you.
$5 - A four line ode or a limerick about you. (Donate ten dollars and get one of each!)
$15 - A letter from someone you admire, dead or alive. Historical figures, celebrities, anyone. If I don't know who it is, I will research. (AKA, look them up on Wikipedia and then wing it.)
$20 - A 300 word short story with you as the main character. You get to select 3 words to be included.
$30 - A two page scene starring you and the talking animal of your choice.
$50 - Combo Platter! Get one of everything! (You would have to be ridiculous to donate this much money, there are charities and starving people in this world for Gods sake.)

Here we go!