LETTER for Jon R.

Dear Jon,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get this letter to you, I've been swamped reading scripts and shopping for Oscar dresses. Then suddenly I realized, it's not 1993 anymore...I don't need to do either.

What happened to me, Jon? I used to be someone. I wasn't a diva, I was easy to work with, so why did I get cast aside by the cold hands of Hollywood? Do you know that I did all my own stunts? I loved the adventure of forcing myself to levitate in "Beetlejuice" and although I did suffer a few bruises and a concussion, the thrill of flying off that mountain in "Thelma and Louise" is something I would never trade. Unlike Hollywood, who traded me in for the likes of waspier wispier girls with names like Gwyneth and Angelina. Which is why, I've made some key decisions.

I've been living in a cabin in northern Canada for the last few years. I first used it as a retreat when I realized Sandra Bullock was edging me out for all my roles (The "Speed" series should have been mine!). I lived for many years as a recluse, surviving mainly on small woodland animals I caught with my bare hands and muttering lines from "Earth Girls Are Easy" until I found my old archery set. I practiced 24 hours a day, Jon. Fat lot of good it did. Would I have been an excellent addition to the Sydney Olympics? Yes. Was I asked to go? No. The Olympics, humph, they don't need a torch they need a hillside with the word "Olympics" in signature white letters...they're no different than Hollywood. Those actors and archers will chew you up and spit you out. Oh, um, anyway, so I've been living in my cabin and after not making the Olympic team, I started developing my patented 3 step plan to return to Hollywood and take the movie industry by storm. I would love to know that I can count on the support of fans like you, Jon. Here it is.

1. I'm going to pitch a television show idea to the execs called "Geena & Irena". It will be about me, trying to make it as a single mother of two young kids by day, then at night living my alternate life as Irena...pop icon. I will play both roles. When I'm Geena I will just look like myself, but when I'm Irena I will have a blonde wig with bangs and sporty pink leather jackets. I really think this could work. The songs I sing as pop princess Irena would go on to be hit singles and I could actually perform concerts. Too add some drama, Geena would be your everyday American girl, whereas Irena would speak exclusively in Russian.

2. I will reunite the cast of "A League of Their Own" and all those lesser stars like Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell and Tom Hanks can ride off of my "Geena and Irena" fame as we create a sequel entitled, "Fatigue of the Bone" (it will be about aging and perseverance). In this climactic thriller all of the ladies who are currently receiving assistance in a nursing facility will be asked to play one last game. I will play the part of the young and ambitious nurse at the nursing home (a great granddaughter of my original character) who rallies the team together for the game of their lives while unknowingly falling in love with the new team owner, Clooney.

3. My last idea is a little radical, but I think it could work. I have been rehearsing a number of one woman shows and feel they are ready to be presented. I thought as opposed to the usual extended "This is my life" monologue I would simply do one woman versions of already respected plays, because that puts me one foot in the door, you know? Think of the billing, "Geena Davis does The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde" "Geena Davis does Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller" "Geena Davis as Blanche Dubois AND Stanley Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams". It's gold. Oh sure I know what you are thinking, there's not much of a theatre scene in LA, that's why I would have to perform these on Broadway, to be seen. To be eased back into the public eye. This is where I need your help, I know you have access to a lot of people in the Chicago theatre scene. If I could get a reading, even at the smallest stage, just for one night...I know the NYC producers would come and pick it up after one show! Can you help me? Jon? Please? Because I'm a brilliant actress, and I deserve my fame back, and I'm currently wearing a bucket full of arrows on my back. You don't want to mess with a former celebrity with perfect aim my friend. Have you noticed an up in the number of celebrity deaths lately? The media says "overdose" but I say "bulls-eye".

I've enclosed for you a signed headshot and a bracelet I made out of beaver teeth while camping down by the old creek on a spear fishing trip last year. Please enjoy them. And please put the word out to Chicago theatres you think might be interested in producing my new hit show.

And remember, Jon, you might not think I'm there. You might not think I care. But Geena Davis is always watching you.

Best,
Geena Davis